Why High-Achieving Moms Get to Have Big Feelings, Too: Breaking the “Hot Mess” Myth
We’ve all seen the look. It’s the subtle side-eye at the grocery store or the judgmental "Are you okay?" from a well-meaning relative when our frustration bubbles over. As mothers, especially high-achieving ones who are used to "having it all together"—society gives us a very narrow window for emotional expression. If we aren't the "serene, Pinterest-perfect nurturer," we are quickly labeled a "hot mess."
But as a therapist who works with moms daily, here is the truth: being a mother does not revoke your right to be a human being with a full spectrum of emotions. In fact, the massive identity shift that happens in motherhood often brings up feelings we weren't prepared for. Suppressing those feelings is often what leads to the very anxious loops and depressed moods we’re trying to avoid.
When We Shove It Down, Our Body Keeps the Score
In somatic therapy, we often say that "the body keeps the score." When we ignore our anger, grief, or overwhelm because we’re afraid of being judged, those feelings don't just vanish. They go underground. They migrate straight into your physical body.
Have you ever wondered why your lower back aches despite no injury? Or why your neck is permanently tight and you can’t seem to focus on a simple task? This is often a sign of nervous system dysregulation.
Take a moment right now and ask yourself: "Are there feelings or parts of my identity I haven’t allowed myself to truly feel or embody?"
Feeling is Not the Same as Projecting
A common fear for the high-achieving mom is: "If I let myself be angry, I’ll take it out on my kids."
There is a massive difference between honestly feeling your feels and projecting them. Validating your emotions doesn't mean raging at your kids; it means giving yourself permission to exist. When we acknowledge our feelings, they actually lose their "stuck" power.
In fact, letting your children see you navigate big emotions is a gift. It teaches them:
Feelings aren't "bad" or dangerous.
Emotions are temporary waves that pass.
You can be a "good mom" and a "sad/angry/overwhelmed human" simultaneously.
Somatic Tools for Release: Move the Energy
At ēma therapy, we focus on getting that energy out of the nervous system so it stops living in your muscles. Here are a few ways to practice healthy emotional release:
1. The 3-2-1 Scream
I use a "warning system" with my own daughters. If I feel rage rising, I don't let it sit until I explode. I say, "I need to scream. Count me in." We count to three, I scream for five seconds, and then I am done. They get to do the same. It’s a collective, safe discharge of energy that prevents "mom rage" from becoming an outburst.
2. The "Wet Dog" Shake (Somatic Shaking)
If you are in a moment where you can't scream, try shaking. Literally stand up and shake your arms, legs, and torso for 60 seconds, like a wet dog shaking off water. This is a powerful way to complete the "stress response cycle" and tell your brain you are safe. It’s a quick reset for an anxious mind and body.
3. The "Sad Movie" Catalyst
Sometimes we are so "propped up" by our daily responsibilities that we can't access our tears. If you've been holding it together for weeks, put on a movie you know will break the damn. Let the tears flow; they are literally washing cortisol (the stress hormone) out of your system.
4. Finding Beauty in the Release
For me, recently it has been the Olympics. Watching people realize their dreams taps into a well of waiting tears. Whatever your "trigger" for beauty or release is: whether it's music, a sunset, or a powerful story, lean into it.
Your Invitation to Embody Your Truth
You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to be frustrated. You are allowed to take up space with your heart, not just your labor. Whether you are feeling anxious about the future or depressed by the weight of expectations, your feelings deserve a seat at the table.
If your body is screaming because you’ve been silent for too long, let’s find a way to let those feelings move through you instead of staying stuck in you.
Ellie Messinger-Adams, LPCC, is the founder of ēma therapy, specializing in somatic and IFS informed therapy for high-achieving moms in California.
Ready to reset your nervous system? Learn more about The Regulation Reset or book a session today.
