When Motherhood Triggers the Past: Nervous System Regulation for Overwhelmed Moms

I notice this in myself a lot as a mother.

There are moments where I feel grounded and clear. Like, I know I am okay.

And then there are moments when my kids are arguing, when my younger daughter feels left out, or when I am running late to a play date and something old gets stirred. My body suddenly feels unsafe again, even though I am safe.

In my therapy practice serving Encinitas and San Marcos, I often see moms whose bodies are stuck in "survival mode" long after the actual threat has passed. If you have experienced this, please hear me: Nothing is wrong with you. This is not a failure of patience or parenting; it is your nervous system doing exactly what it was created to do.

The push and pull of motherhood and the nervous system

Motherhood often lives in two places at once. There is right here, right now, and there is the past. Even when life is objectively safe, the body can react as if it is not.

This feels especially confusing for the high-achieving moms I work with in North County San Diego. You are used to understanding yourself through logic and competence. You might think, "I know better," or "Why does this still affect me?" But regulation does not happen through insight alone.

Regulation is a feeling. It is primal.

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Why your body reacts before your mind

Your nervous system was shaped long before you became a mother. Long before language, logic, or insight, your body learned what to watch for, what to brace against, and what signaled safety or threat, and it learned to adapt to that. It created warning signs and responses.

This is because much of the nervous system operates outside of conscious awareness. Sensory cues like tone of voice, facial expressions, urgency, conflict, or disconnection are processed faster than thought. The body responds first, then the mind tries to make sense of what is happening.

When your child is melting down, someone feels left out, or time pressure creeps in, your nervous system may register echoes of earlier experiences. These moments can resemble past environments where you had to stay alert, manage emotions, or take responsibility early. It doesn't mean you are "back there." It simply means your body hasn't yet fully updated to the reality of where you are now.

Regulation is not "calm". It is recognition in the nervous system

Many moms believe regulation means staying calm or getting it right every time. In reality, regulation is much quieter than that.

Regulation is the moment your body realizes it is not “there” anymore. It is here.

And then continuing to stay anchored in today.

This happens through recognition, not force. Your nervous system takes in cues of safety through breath, posture, tone of voice, and connection. Often, this happens in relationship.

It might look like a deeper breath you did not force. A softening in your shoulders. A pause before reacting. Sometimes it is simply noticing, "I am safe right now," and letting that truth land slowly.

Research on co-regulation shows that nervous systems do not regulate in isolation. As humans, especially as parents, our bodies are constantly responding to the emotional states of those around us. When your child is upset, left out, or dysregulated, your nervous system automatically leans in. That sensitivity is not a flaw. It is part of attachment. So, of course you feel something when your kids are feeling something.

Why Anxiety Hits High-Achieving Moms Differently

If you learned early on that needing help meant weakness, your nervous system likely adapted by becoming highly alert, capable, and self-sufficient. Many high-achieving moms developed nervous systems that are excellent at managing responsibility, anticipating needs, and staying one step ahead. I mean come on it is what got you where you are. And might even feel like a defining feature.

But, from a nervous system perspective, this is not a personality trait. It is an adaptation. These patterns often develop in environments where being competent, composed, or useful helped maintain safety or connection.

That strategy often works well in school, careers, and achievement-based systems. And likely you have the report cards and promotions to prove it.

Motherhood changes the rules though.

There is no ladder. No performance review. No clear way to prove you are doing this right. Yet many moms continue to apply old nervous system strategies to a role that requires flexibility, rest, and support. When pushing harder no longer works, the body often signals distress. For some it feels like a system malfunction.

The hard thing for high-achieving moms to hold is that what is actually needed is NOT more effort, but a slowing down, regulation, acceptance and support.

Helping Your Body Catch Up: Therapy for Moms in North County

Regulation work is not about fixing you. It is about helping your body catch up to the life you are living now. It is about creating enough safety inside your nervous system so that old alarms do not have to run the show.

You are not failing. The rules simply changed.

With the right support, your body can learn what your mind already knows:

You are safe, and you are here now.

Ellie Messinger-Adams, LPCC
ēma therapy

I provide specialized therapy for moms focused on nervous system regulation, motherhood identity, and emotional overwhelm. My practice serves mothers throughout North County San Diego, with offices in Encinitas and San Marcos.

If this resonated with you, you don't have to navigate it alone.