High-Functioning or Over-Functioning? A Guide for the Mom Who Does It All
From the outside, you look like you’re doing it all.
You’re thriving in your career, managing the family calendar, and keeping everyone fed, clothed, and where they need to be. People say things like, “I don’t know how you do it,” and you just smile.
But does this sound familiar?
It’s Friday afternoon. You’ve crushed it all week—navigating boardrooms and bedtime routines, fueled by caffeine and sheer force of will. But the moment the weekend hits, instead of relief, you feel a deep, bone-weary exhaustion. The tension that’s been living in your shoulders starts screaming. The emotions you’ve expertly pushed aside come flooding in, leaving you irritable, weepy, or just numb.
If this resonates, you’re not alone. We live in a culture that celebrates the woman who "does it all." But in that celebration, we’ve started to confuse being high-functioning with its dangerous imposter: over-functioning.
Celebrating Your Strengths, Questioning the Strain
Being high-functioning is a superpower. It means you're organized, driven, capable, and resilient. These are incredible strengths.
But over-functioning is the shadow side of that superpower. It's high-functioning fueled by anxiety, trauma, or the deep-seated belief that your worth is tied to your productivity.
Over-functioning often looks like:
Taking on everyone else’s responsibilities because you believe you’re the only one who can do it right.
Your body screaming for rest, but your mind saying, "Just one more thing."
Feeling constantly overwhelmed, yet unable to ask for or accept help.
Feeling guilty or anxious when you’re not being productive.
Ignoring your own emotional and physical needs to cater to everyone else's.
It’s survival mode dressed up as “having it all together.”
Your Body Keeps the Score
When we chronically override our emotions and needs, they don’t just disappear. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk famously says, “The body keeps the score.”
Those unprocessed feelings and unrelenting stress get stored in our tissues. Your body often knows you're over-functioning before your mind admits it. Pay attention if you notice:
Chronic tension in your shoulders, jaw, or back
Digestive issues you brush off as “just stress”
Frequent headaches or migraines
Constant exhaustion, even after sleeping
A general sense of numbness or flatness
These aren’t just random symptoms. They are signals from your body demanding to be heard.
The Tug-of-War Inside: Finding Your Wise Mind
For many high-achieving moms, understanding the mind's different states is a lightbulb moment. We often talk about three:
Logic Mind: Your command center. It’s rational, makes to-do lists, and solves problems. When you're over-functioning, you are living almost exclusively here. It feels safe and productive.
Emotion Mind: Where your feelings live—the joy, anger, and overwhelming stress. We learn to suppress this state because it feels messy and inefficient. But those emotions just get stored in the body.
Wise Mind: The powerful overlap of the two. It’s that deep, intuitive knowing that honors your feelings and your reason. It’s the voice that says, "I know this deadline is important, and my body needs rest to do my best work."
Over-functioning is relying so heavily on Logic Mind that you lose access to this inner wisdom. The goal isn't to get rid of your logic; it's to invite your emotions back to the table so you can hear your Wise Mind.
From Over-Functioning to Embodied Living: Where to Start
Embodied living is the practice of accessing your Wise Mind—not just in theory, but in your physical, moment-to-moment experience. It’s about integrating your whole self so you can operate from a place of grounded strength, not frantic survival.
1. Start with the 30-Second Pause Before you try to "fix" anything, just listen. Set a timer for 30 seconds. Close your eyes. Notice your breath. Scan your body and ask: Where am I holding tension right now? Stay with that sensation. Not to change it—just to acknowledge it. This is the first step in rebuilding the mind-body connection.
2. Practice Setting Boundaries
Pause before you say "yes." When a new request comes in, take a breath. Ask yourself: "Do I have the genuine capacity for this? Do I want to do this?"
Delegate. Identify one task this week you can hand off at work or at home. Letting go of control is a radical act of self-preservation.
Remember "No" is a complete sentence. It doesn’t require a lengthy explanation. Saying "no" to something means you're saying "yes" to your own well-being.
3. Cultivate Radical Self-Compassion
Talk to yourself like a friend. When you have a tough moment, replace the inner critic with a voice of kindness. "This is hard. It's okay to feel this way."
Embrace "good enough." A "good enough" mom is more sustainable and healthier than an impossibly perfect one. Your peace is more important than a perfectly curated life.
You Don’t Have to Hold It All Together Alone
These strategies are a starting point. Truly untangling the roots of over-functioning is deep work.
In my work at ēma therapy, I combine body-based and somatic approaches with talk therapy. This means we work not just on your thoughts and stories, but also on how stress, pressure, and old patterns are living in your body. It’s not about losing your high-achieving edge. It’s about reclaiming the parts of you that have been buried under the constant doing—so you can feel alive, connected, and at ease again.
If you’re a mom in California navigating this exact struggle, you don’t have to do it alone. Book a free intro session and let’s explore how we can move you from over-functioning to fully living.
By: Ellie Messinger-Adams LPCC
Owner and therapist at ēma therapy
