To the Mom Who Feels Like She’s Disappearing
It starts with a shift in the air the moment the world finds out you’re pregnant. Suddenly, you are no longer just a person; you are a vessel. Every "How are you?" is actually a "How is the baby?" Your body is monitored, your diet is scrutinized, and your autonomy begins to dissolve. You eat, drink, and breathe for someone else.
Then the baby arrives, the shift is subtle at first, then all at once the feeling of disappearing deepens. The postpartum check-ups are brief, but the pediatric charts are endless. You walk into a room, and eyes skip right over your face to the stroller. Your family doesn't call to hear how you are doing anymore; they call to hear the latest milestone.
If you feel like you are fading into the background of your own life, I see you.
The Weight of Being "The Only One"
Many moms carry the heavy realization that their social landscape has changed overnight. You might feel a specific kind of loneliness:
"I have so many friends, but I am the only mom, and no one gets my struggle."
It’s an isolating paradox: being surrounded by people but feeling completely misunderstood. When your friends are planning late dinners, you’re navigating the "witching hour." When they talk about their weekends, you’re thinking about the three days you haven't showered. The disconnect makes the invisibility feel like a choice they’re making, even when it’s just a change in seasons.
The Shift at Home and Work
The invisibility follows you into the places where you used to feel most competent and valued.
At Home: You might feel like your partner’s gaze has shifted entirely. They are focused on the kids, the schedule, and the endless logistics. You become a "co-manager" rather than a partner, and your own needs for intimacy, rest, and recognition get buried under a pile of laundry.
At Work: There is a specific sting to the professional "mom-track." You feel like you no longer matter. Maybe you’re told, implicitly or explicitly, that you "can't get the promotion you've worked so hard for" because your priorities have supposedly shifted. Your colleagues see the exhaustion on your face, but they don't see the heroic effort it took just to get to your desk by 9:00 AM.
“Before kids, I felt respected at work. Now I feel replaceable.”
The Thoughts We’re Too Scared to Say
Perhaps the hardest part of feeling invisible is the silence.
You used to be the person who "had it all" and "did it all." Now, you’re in a season where you can’t even go to the bathroom without help. The emotions that come with this transition, the rage, the grief for your old life, the overwhelming anxiety, can feel too big and too scary to share.
You stay silent for fear of judgment. You worry that if you admit how hard this is, people will think you don't love your children. But let’s be clear:
Grieving your identity is not the same as regretting your children.
You Are Still In There
If you are googling "Why do I feel so invisible now that I have kids?" please know that this isn't a "you" problem. It is a result of a culture that celebrates the "Selfless Mother" while forgetting the human woman underneath.
You are more than a snack-getter, a diaper-changer, or a vessel. You are a person with a nervous system that deserves care, a heart that deserves to be asked "How are you?", and a soul that is still vibrant, even if it feels a little dim right now. Nothing about this experience means you are failing. It means you are human in a season that asks everything of you.
"Talking It Out" Isn’t Always Enough
Your friends are wonderful, and your partner is trying, but sometimes the weight of motherhood requires more than just "hang in there" or “I’ve been there too”. This is where deeper support can make all the difference. It is something that a coffee date, a self-help book, or chatGPT rabbit whole simply can’t reach.
In our sessions, we do more than talk:
We Hold the "Too Big" Emotions: I provide a clinical a safe place for the thoughts you’re scared to say out loud. Whether it's "mom rage" or deep ambivalence, I can hold your highest intensity without flinching, helping your nervous system learn that it is safe to let go.
We Address the Mind and Body: We won’t just talk about the exhaustion; we will listen to what your body is holding. Using somatic therapy, we work to regulate your nervous system so you can feel like you’re inhabiting your own skin again, not just performing a role.
We Heal the Sidelined Parts: Using Internal Family Systems (IFS), we’ll explore the parts of you that have been hurting or ignored. We work to integrate your "career self" and your "mom self" so they can finally coexist, rather than compete.
You were a person before you were a mom, and that person is still here, waiting to be reconnected with. You are still here.
You matter. And you deserve to be cared for, too.
About Me - Ellie
Hi, I’m Ellie Messinger-Adams, LPCC, the founder of ēma therapy. I specialize in supporting anxious high-functioning mothers through the complexities of parenthood. I see clients in person at my offices in San Marcos and Encinitas, and online throughout California.
